32 posts tagged “life”
So, this might seem a bit too insular for a blog post, but bear with me.
This book is an "Oral Biography" of the punk rock singer Darby Crash, who died at 22, in the early 1980's. I happen to know some of the same people as Darby did, and met Jan Paul Beahm (the real person behind the persona) a few times. That's why I read this book. Just to see what some people i knew had to say.
First universal truth: EVERYONE has an agenda. Even if they don't know it. We all have some angle, some desire to see'our way' triumph, and because of this:
second universal truth: We all have faulty memories. We'll remember slights against us as more important than they are, and we'll remember our triumphs as bigger than they were.
So, i wasn't looking for accuracy. But, I got insight, and it was unexpected.
See, I said I knew these people, I didn't say they were friends to me. No, many of the people I knew that appear in these pages out-and-out hated me, and I can't say I was too fond of them. But the insight came from facts: almost universally, these people were fresh out of the ISP program at University High in Beverly Hills, California. At that program, in that school, the majority of the curriculum was based upon Scientology and E.S.T. I never bought into either of those, and think both are shams. Now that's just what I think, so don't get all offended if you really, really believe in that stuff. But, the reason why I don't like either one is that they seem to me to be a system of control. Brainwashing, perhaps, though I don't truly believe in such a thing. But, hearing that these kids were upper middle class kids raised in these philosophies goes a long way towards explaining why they and I never got along.
Another insight is how above the rest of us these people still hold themselves to be. See, that was their beef with people like me, and with me: they viewed us as lumpen proles. In their eyes we're capable oflittle more than animal functions. More than once they describe us as subhumans whostink and cannot be reasoned with, and ruin things for no better reason than it's "our nature'. It's all because of which neighborhood we were raised in, and our fashion choices. So, here's a little insight in return: if you view yourself as oh-so-above other people, and you mock them, don't be surprised when they rise up and strike back! If you say "Oh, I hate all redheads because they're stupid and violent", don't be too shocked when a redhead backhands you, and laughs. You want to know why your precious little club got torn down? It's because you built too many walls, and not enough doors.
Some of these people even espoused fascism, and still do! That included Darby Crash.But, here's the problem with that: just like the rabble strung Mussolini up, just like Ceauşescu had his followers turn rabid on him, in the end they'll turn on you. It's one of the things i like about humanity: eventually we'll turn on any cultof personality. Eventually the mob will have its way. Now, Darby committed suicide, but that was just a final attempt to assert control. That was him saying that he could still define his own life. He didn't realize what the rest of us rabble knew all along: either you find a place, or one will be assigned to you.
So, while this started as just some personal research, it did end up relaying another universal truth: Like it or not, we're ALL just another one of us.
From yesterday:
So, I’m warning you now, this entry will be a mess. I’m just tired of not putting anything up because I’ve got too much going on. I reckon this was meant first and foremost as a kind of diary, so I might as well show everybody just how disorganized I am.
Anyway, so, today’s my birthday. It’s been a harsh day, and it’s not over, yet. Well, a harsh day by my life’s standards. I am fully cognizant that by many, many standards, my life is superb. I’m not trying to claim any victim status, by a long shot.
Basically, I just got called to do a lot of extra work so my bosses could go play. That might sound like a bitter exaggeration. It’s honestly just a recounting. My entire management team decided to go off and play golf today and tomorrow, and left me with their responsibilities. While I suppose I could celebrate my importance in being given such accountability, I know that it will not translate into benefits. This is because they have expressed many times that they are aware that they are above the rest of us, and therefore deserve more prestige and perks. If they happen to take vacation days en masse, and on the same day as they introduce two new major programs, and it just so happens to be my birthday, well, that’s what I’m here for. So, while I don’t mean this as simply a complaint, my issue is this: that this kind of a relationship is the natural expression of our business system. We are encouraged to view those whom we pay for services as less than ourselves. Whether you’re talking about a prostitute, or a doctor, you are encouraged to think of yourself above them. It’s related to what Marx called the alienation of labor. In that idea, Marx is saying that we view ourselves as separate and distinct from virtually everything we do because we are paid for our labor. But, what does that leave for us? Do we become simply our paycheck? Do we become the things we buy with that paycheck? Am I a different person from my Boss because I drive a Kia and he drives a Lexus? Am I a different person because his house has 5000 square feet more than mine? It’s this sort of thinking that led him inexorably to communism. The idea was, inevitably, humans search for identity and meaning. If capitalism, and its system of buying and selling things, including people’s time and labor, leads to inadequate answers about who and what we are, then, we will seek out alternatives. He thought we’d seek out a more equitable solution, hence, he came to communism. I’m more cynical than Karl Marx. Then, again, I’ve got over a century’s worth of additional history to count, as well. I don’t think we’re looking for something more humane, and equitable. I think we’re just looking for something that seems about right. So, we stubbornly cling to notions that we are both what we do, and what we have, depending upon the scenario, but the bottom line, is money. We crunch the numbers. So, if you’ve got more than your doctor, your doctor is a schlub, to you. If you’ve got more than your employees, well, then, you’ve got every right to view them as subordinate to you, in every way, because you’re more of a person than them. All is right with your world, and you don’t even think enough of the next guy’s world to not care about it.
Well, I’m trying to be a little better about that, in myself. To realize and recognize that I’ve got a heck of a lot more going for me, in my life than many have in theirs. Beyond the cliché starving kids in Africa, I have a lot more than even my Bosses, because one of the things I have is the good graces of people and powers much greater than myself. To give you a really simple explanation, let’s look at my wife. She is kind and good to me, and yet, she is more patient, more rational, and more noble than I ever have been. She also earns more money than me, and probably counts for more in this world than me. That such a person is good and kind to me counts more in my favor than any paycheck or car. So, again, I’m not complaining that my day has been made harsh by the indifference and disregard of my Bosses. I’m commenting on an inadequacy of the system they believe in. I still think that there is an answer in all this, but I don’t believe that many will take up that answer. If I were to have a complaint, it would be about that. That so few of us (me, included) are willing to lift our heads up and try to discover something better.
This kind of thinking extends beyond economics, though. I really do try to always recognize the humanity of everyone. I don’t mean in some kind of sappy “Everyone is Beautiful” kind of way. What I mean is that I try to recognize that there are things we do, as people, that are fairly constant. Most people, for example, like to feel important. At least, important enough to warrant some deference, some basic social niceties. So, I try to maintain some decorum. Another example; very, very few people think of themselves as “Evil”. At most, they’ll think they are “bad” in the sense of being incompetent, or weak, in the sense that an alcoholic thinks of themselves as susceptible to drink. So, no matter how wicked the act, I look for where the rationalization lies. Even Charlie Manson finds some excuse for his own acts. Most people think they are reasonable, fair minded and sinning less than they are sinned against. So, I try to disregard that in myself. After all, when even George Bush can look at himself and say “I’m a good man”, doesn’t that discount the merits of such self-analysis? Instead, I try to look at things in terms of how the “other guy” might see it. I’m not looking for approval, though, either. I’m looking for the closest I can come to objectivity. I also recognize that we live our lives in a certain state of benign neglect: most folks don’t think about us twice, if they think of us at all. So, I try to not be too self-important. I don’t know if this is clear at all, but what I am saying is that I try to recognize that we’re all schlubs, down here. We’re neither angels nor demons. Only Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, and my wife are saints. I guess you could call it the tangent to the golden rule: understand others as they might understand you.
Another way this kind of thinking drives me is that I am trying to give over my little bit towards creating that world that only exists in my head. You know, that world that’s in ecological balance, where people live in dignity, honor, and peace, and where such values matter more. I don’t believe I’ll ever see that world, but I do what little I can to help nurture such hopes.
While these haven't been retouched or edited, yet, and so, feature not so very flattering portraits of us, I hope they at least convey how much fun we had!
A family friend has passed on. Since it was kinda known, and there are a million reasons to keep quiet about it, I won't say anything about that beyond what I've already said, however it does spark a thought:
I've said this to folks around me, but I'd like this posted. I am completely serious about all of this, by the way.
I don't want a funeral, I don't want a coffin, and I don't want people to hang on to me, after I'm gone. I don't know what happens after we die, but I'm unshaken in my belief that wherever we go (even if it's nowhere) it's not here. I've seen enough death to confirm this for me: if we survive death, we do not stick around. So, I won't be here to care. Still, if you want to do something, here's what I'd suggest: First, I like the "Be a tree" concept. If it can be arranged to make me into fertilizer for a nice hardwood tree, I'd be keen on that. But, if any organs can be used to extend someone else's life, yes, by all means, that's important. Second, if you have to have a memorial of any kind, make it a nice wake. Some kind of gathering without the heavy proceedings. I don't need speeches, and neither do you. Related to that, I definitely want a notice in the paper that reads (at least in part) "In lieu of flowers, please drink heavily". People read the obits, and get way, way too morbid. Wouldn't it be great if somebody got a chuckle from the obituary page, for once? I also really don't want flowers. They seem like a horrible thing for a funeral: let's kill a bunch of plants, robbing them of their reproduction cycle, in ordfer to celebrate the life of a dead person? No thanks. I'd prefer if people killed a few brain cells instead.
As for stuff? Heck do whatever you want with it. I really don't care. I just hope you try to make sure that folks get some use out of it.
So, there you go. Those are my wishes, such as they might be. I hope I live for another couple hundred years, but if i've got to go, then, please keep as much life going as possible. Life is much much more important than anything else.
Well, we did our second annual spring break trip. This year, it was Orlando Florida. We drove straight down on wednesday, enjoyed Discovery Cove on thursday, Sea World on Friday, and drove back up yesterday. I'm still exhausted, but work beckons, tomorrow morning.
Oh, and it's our anniversary, so don't expect me back real soon.Eventually, yes, but not just yet, ok?
When I was a kid, I went through a phase of really liking Steppenwolf. Later on, I read the Herman Hesse book which is actually far better than the band, but right now, I want to reprint some of the Band's lyrics. No, not borne to be wild, that would be terrible. No, these are to 'Everybody's Next One" which is a song I think applies to a percentage of girls I know, right now. Let's hope they don't apply to you:
She's all alone, just lost another one
Met him yesterday and he's already gone
And though tonight she'll swear it was the last time
A smiling face will come that knows the right line
And then she'll do all the right things with the wrong guy
And when he's gone, next day she'll sit and wonder why
She doesn't know why she's everybody's next one
'Cause she's afraid that the truth is gonna hurt some
All the pity in the world ain't gonna help none
She has to realize that to keep one, her ways have to change some
She tries too hard and she comes on too strong
Digs herself too much and thinks she can't be wrong
She's too impressed by things that do not matter
To be the Queen of hearts is what she's after.
And then she'll do all the right things with the wrong guy
And when he's gone, next day she'll sit and wonder why
She doesn't know why she's everybody's next one
'Cause she's afraid that the truth is gonna hurt some
All the pity in the world ain't gonna help none
She has to realize that to keep one, her ways have to change some
Well, work is....work. Lots of it. i'm working for a three year old start up, and it shows.
My health? Ehhhh. Decent, I guess. Nothing on the way of like Cancer or whatever, but I'm way, way out of shape.
My son's wrestling season is over. He did better than last year, which is amazing, given that he broke his arm so badly back in May.
My wife is keeping more than busy. I love her, I just don't see her all that often. That's hard, but it'll be worth it.
We're up to 5 Cats. We took in a stray mother, and her son. The stray mother is going to my Mother-in-law's, and the son? He stays here. His name, right now, is 'Manta". He seems pretty cool, and there will be photos.
The Foam whale is excellent, thanks for asking.
My car? I'm an idiot. Totally my fault, and nobody else was involved, but I managed to crunch out a tail light, and put a small dent in the back. Believe it or not, i'm an excellent driver, i just screw up when i'm putting in 50+ hours a week on stuff, you know?
So, what's up with you?
Ever notice how they don't have too many male subjects on "What not to wear"? Ever wonder why?
I think it's for several reasons.
The number one is logistics.There already has been "Queer eye for the Straight guy' and the budget on this show would preclude name brand designer suits (a decent Ralph Lauren number will set you back about a grand, so what can they do? Have the guy buy two suits and a pair of shoes?) so sponsers wouldn't be too keen on it.
But the other reason would be all the social pressures against men taking an interest in fashion. It's seen as 'effeminate' in some circles, and most workplaces demand fairly rigid conformity for male dress. Guys are also conditioned to think that they are rugged individuals, free from social influence, as well. Both my son, and I,almost reflexisively, whenever we have seen that show will robotically intone how we'd defy their "rules' and would subvert the show, if we were on. Again, i'm not saying that guys are more self-guided, merely that we're conditioned to think that we are.
Yeah, i know. It's a dumb thought about a dumb show. But, give me a break, here: I'm pretty bored. My son's off to see a friend, and my wife has been asleep most of the past 24 hours, and I'm too broke to do anything but laundry, and housework.
If it'll make you think any better of me, I did also make a few compilation CDs for my commute to work....
So, yeah, today kinda blew chunks. See, first, I got up up to bring my kitty to the vet. I've just paid some bills so I'm on a limited budget, but I had to get the kitty in: her meds are running out, and quite honestly, i don't know if she'll live without them. So, I bring her in. But, even though I told the Vet about my limited budget, the bill comes back more than double what I had said I could afford. In the past they had offered various methods of payment. Not now. Now it's cash, right now, pay up sucker! And a sucker I am, because it was 3 times the amount it had cost for the same service as 6 months ago.
This set a few things in motion. See, I've pretty much been living for the chance to escape. To go on a vacation, however brief. That chance is evaporating before me. I no longer can afford to leave my soul-crushing job for even a day.
Then came the next hammer blow. My company recently relocated. Trying to be a good co-worker, I had been taking up the slack for everyone else, and even delivered everyone's time sheets off to the place where they're processed, after hours, without asking for compensation. I did deliver everyone's time sheet, except mine. I forgot it, and , today, found it in my coat pocket. Why? Because I've had too much on my plate, I guess, but maybe because I'm an idiot. This means my pay that I desperately need, will be at the very least delayed.
This leaves me a bit screwed. I've got some kinda important bills due, this week. Stuff I cannot defer. Yeah, I'm probably gonna have to ask some folks for a loan. They'll make me grovel for it, too. i know. They'll also feel that it gives them the right to point out every mistake I ever made.
Then, just when I had resigned myself to staying in for the next....month, my internet and cable TV just died. The best part: they died when I sat at the family computer. They'd worked all day for other members of my family. Nope, it dies right when I get my turn.
Now, obviously, it's working now. Here's hoping that's a sign of things to come.
I ain't asking for anyone's pity. I wouldn't accept it, if it was given. I'm a very tough cookie, and i know I'll be OK. Seriously, people hate me for how stone faced and unyielding I can be. But, I know that's what it takes for me to survive my own stupidity, and my own bad luck. I've got to draw upon the stoicism of my forefathers just to keep breathing. It's going to take a lot of that, if I'm going to make it back to daylight. Just you watch, though. I'll do it. Even if every once in awhile it sucks...
